Have you ever had a day when you left the house and thought: “Man, I look good today!”? I have. Mind you, I don’t have them often. I’m usually pleased to just be dressed in clothes that aren’t horribly stained and have enough makeup on to resemble a human being. I just happened to be running errands one day recently and left the kids at home with my husband. I don’t usually go out solo, so I decided to take a few extra seconds while getting ready. Realize, I was going to get my nails done and the oil changed, but I’ll get dressed up for just about anything. Not to mention I’ve been working out more these days so I like to take the opportunity to show off any new muscle gains! (Don’t laugh)

Anyways, I set out to run my errands and noticed myself in the mirror thinking, “Well, you don’t look half bad today!”. I guess my ego was in full effect and only one thing can happen in these situations. That’s right, the real world comes along and cuts your inflated behind back down to size!

I go to the Lube place and the technician is nothing but helpful. He found a nail in my tire I didn’t even know was there and fixed it! He offered me coffee, smiled, joked, and let me in on a great deal they had going for a new set of tires. Wow, I thought, guys will do anything for a nice looking girl! He even finished my oil change and tire repair in record time and I left there smiling. So far, so good, right?

I go to have my nails done. My nail girl is going on and on about how young I look, God bless her. She’s amazed that I have 4 kids! She does a wonderful job on my nails and I decide to go ahead and get the eyebrow waxing I’ve been putting off.

I have to wax my stupid eyebrows constantly. I’m borderline obsessive about it, actually. It seems I inheirited the “Hairy Bear” gene from my father. That man looks like he’s wearing a sweater when he’s shirtless. I guess I’m glad I’m not that bad!

Anyways, I go back to the waxing area. There’s a young, Asian man in charge today.

“You have eyebrows waxed today?” he says

“Sure!” I smile

“You have lip waxed too?” he asks

“Umm, sure, why not?” I say hesitantly. (Note: I have that done occasionally, as needed! I do not have some full on mustache!)

He looks me over, turning my face to different angles then say: “You have whole face waxed?”

“Whole face?? What exactly does that mean?” I inquire

“You have lots of hair: here, here, here and here,” he says, pointing out my many, apparently, flaws.

I say no thank you and go ahead with the eyebrow/lip wax and leave a much less confident person than before. My entire face? Really? I knew I had a little “fuzz” but come on! Who doesn’t?! I guess I am my father’s child after all. Part Sasquatch.

Yep, that brought me back down to Earth quick. I strutted a little less, figured that people being nice to me was no more than that and called my husband a broken woman. He found it hilarious, by the way, but I decided to tackle it with Nair. Problem solved…for now.

In conclusion, we have a saying around. “Bless their heart”. You can safely say anything mean or cruel about a person as long as it’s followed with “Bless their heart”. For example: “Susan really is a nice girl, but she is dumb as a rock! Bless her heart”. I have a felling there were plenty of “Bless her heart’s” spoken for me that day.

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My husband found this interesting ad about how soon was too soon for your baby to have soda. I thought it was rather humorous considering how hard we try to keep our kids off things like this now. The ad claims having soda early in life helps children have a better chance of “fitting in during those awkward pre-teen years”. I’m just wondering, did people seriously believe this? Maybe this is why 50% or so of our population is obese!

I’ll be honest with you, I am addicted to caffeine and sodas. I have tried to break the habit numerous times. I’m really good at starting a diet, getting completely into it, being healthy, then slipping and not going back. I need to lose a few pounds. I mean, I have 4 kids: it’s hard to gain 30-40 pounds, lose 20, have another baby 2 years later (repeat 2X) and not have a little extra weight! It is especially hard to exercise these days with an 8, 6, 4, and 2 year-old around!

My New Year’s resolution is to be healthier. I usually think these things are stupid because no one actually keeps them, but I hope I can. My kids need me healthier and I want them to grow up eating well. Not that I don’t try to do that now, I make great efforts not to give my kids junk and tons of sugar. They play outside every day. I don’t let them sit and play video games or watch TV in excess. I guess they have a good start, maybe cutting out all junk food won’t be too much of a shock and they won’t revolt. At least, I hope they won’t. They do out-number me, even if they are smaller.

Anyways, do you have resolutions already? Are you as bad as me about keeping them?

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I went for my dental consultation today. Now the big decision is whether to have my teeth pulled this Friday or next. I want to get it over with but 2 days seems awfully quick! Anyways, while I was waiting for the dentist, I overheard a conversation between a mother and daughter.

First off, these two where somewhat trashy lower-class. I’m not being stuck up, I don’t claim to have lots of money or class, but there is a big difference between being purely and blissfully ignorant and having the brains to aspire for more. These two ladies (and I use that term loosely) were the first. They were poorly dressed and unkempt. It wasn’t their appearance that bothered me so much, I mean, how you choose to present yourself is your business, it was the conversation.

At first I thought the Mother was the one picking a wedding date. Later I realized it was the daughter. The 17 year old, still in high school daughter. She was pondering when she should have her wedding. She couldn’t do it on her friends birthday, because that was disrespectful. Winter was too cold and summer too hot. (superior intellect at work) May would surely interfere with prom, but if she waited until August (her birthday) she could marry without her Mother’s signature of permission. So many choices to make: her friend could make a white wrap for her dress if it was a winter affair, but how could they have it outside in January? If they wait till August, they would sweat. Oh, the horrors.

I was somewhat unsettled by this: here is a young, uneducated, foolish girl worrying about her wedding. I’m all for marriage and family but not until both parties are mature enough to handle the responsibility. The next twist in the story had me floored.

A little girl was playing in the waiting room. The young lady (from our previous conversation) says, “She has cute cheeks. How old is she?” The mother of this toddler says around 20 months old. Young lady says, “My little girl is 18 months but she ain’t nearly as big”. That’s right, she has a baby. I can only assume she is marrying the baby’s father but you and I both know what happens when we assume? (Answer: you make an “ass” out of U and me) This girl that should be worrying about her education and future has a baby and upcoming nuptials on the brain.

Again, I don’t know this girl. It is her life, and obviously her Mother approves. If these are the choices she makes, then they are hers and hers alone. I just can’t believe a Mother would encourage this. I want my girls to be well-behaved, intelligent, sophisticated young ladies. I want them to learn, mature and fall in love. One day I want them to get married and have a family, but not before they are ready. I wanted to say to this girl, “Honey, stop worrying about boys, because at 18 that is exactly what they are, and worry about a future for you and your daughter! Get and education, a job, and be sure of yourself first!”

Am I way off base? I didn’t say anything to this girl, and had no intention of being rude, but shouldn’t someone shake some sense into her? She’s just a kid!

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Last night my husband and I were watching an episode of “Friends.” It was the one where Rachel gives birth to Emma. She was in labor for 21 hours and when she finally delivers her, Emma was breach. Obviously, not one of these writers is a woman that has been through childbirth. Here are a few of their errors:

1. Making jokes and laughing during hard labor: Having suffered through painful contractions for hours on end, Rachel is joking, calm, and silly. Now, unless she had massive amount of drugs, the last thing you would be doing at this point is giggling. Most likely you would be trying to claw your husbands eyes out for saying something like “Hang in there honey, you’re doing a great job!” or trying to wrap the fetal monitor cord around the nurse with the enormous “man hands” that has to check and see if you’re dilated enough. Trust me, I had a baby the “natural” way, it isn’t fun.

2. Sharing a room with another expectant Mom: I’ve been in a few hospitals. Ours here in SC is a beautiful, well staffed, friendly atmosphere. You have a private room, decorated to feel like home, where you stay for the duration of your labor and delivery. The hospital in KY where Deacon was born was not as nice. They had a delivery room and a hospital room: neither of which were very comforting. Not to mention, they decided they didn’t like his temperature and kept him away from me for hours in a nursery. I could have told them he was cold! It was freezing in our room and he had not eaten yet! Anyways, I don’t know what archaic medical center Rachael went to but if I had been asked to share a room with another woman, someone would have died. Let’s just say, you are not at your prettiest or most composed during labor and the last thing you want is someone who feels equally terrible watching. Not a chance.

3. Babies are clean, pretty and completely “filled out” as soon as they are born: This is common in movies and TV shows alike. Every baby they show is beautiful, fat and smiling. Now, I thought my children were the most gorgeous little angels I had ever laid eyes upon when they were born. I doubt other people thought so. Be honest, they are covered in goo, screaming, scrawny, reddish-purple and kinda pitiful at first. I know they can’t get a real newborn, but come on! No wonder women cry when they first see their child: they thought they’d be picture perfect!

I’m sure there were a slew of other inaccuracies in the episode, but those are just a few off the top of my head. I know it is supposed to be funny on the show but at least try to keep it real! Does anyone else out there have a childbirth “horror story?”

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I’m an animal lover. I wanted to be a veterinarian from the time I could talk, but alas, it was not to be. I love most kinds of animals, except snakes. I don’t hate snakes, they have a right to be on the Earth too, but I do hope we share a mutual respect and leave each other the heck alone. Most cats and dogs I’ll pick right up and cuddle in a heartbeat. Actually, that’s how I ended up with stitches on my face when I was little. I saw this sweet little cat come in our yard, and I run over and pick it up. It proceeds to chomp down on my cheek and not let go. I sit there screaming, with a cat hanging onto my face, until my Mom comes running out to pry it off. Anyways, the point of this was: I love animals, I just don’t think I could love a hairless cat.

We were watching a “Friends” rerun last night, and Jennifer Aniston buys a Sphynx Cat. Everyone has a ball making fun of this thing and she’s terrified of it because she’s convinced it is hissing her name. I have to agree with her: they are truly evil looking. I decided to look these beasts up and here is some of the disturbing info I found (via this site):

The Sphynx Breed is more high maintenance breed then you had probably imagined. They need to be bathed every week. Their nails need to be trimmed at least once every two weeks. They produce a lot of ear wax that also needs to be cleaned out weekly. Below I will go over the routine cleaning I use for my Sphynx cats and kittens.

Bathing:I bath my Sphynx every week. They secrete oil that attracts dirt and the oil itself needs to be washed off.Some Sphynx can stay clean longer then others. Bathing them is easy. Since my cats are bathed so often they are used to it. And it is not a long process since they have no fur to dry. I wash my Sphynx in the sink with warm water and fragrance free baby shampoo. It is not harsh for their skin and gets them clean and smelling like a baby(: Im between cleanings you can also wipe them down with some fragrance free baby wipes.

Yeah, you read that correctly: They secrete oil that attracts dirt and the oil itself . How disgusting is that? I don’t want any pet of mine “secreting oils” all over the place! Nasty! I have enough trouble keeping myself and my kids clean, the last thing I need is to be cleaning a cat with baby wipes! I guess they are right, those things are “high maintenance”. Way too much trouble for me.

On top of the oily problem, these things are scary looking. Can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night to have this looking at you? Sorry, I have enough nightmares on my own. Those cats look like something straight from Hell.

If you own one of these abominations and love it dearly, prove me wrong, until then I live in fear of them!

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So I was a little stumped as to what I should write about today. I was sitting here watching Guiding Light and it came to me: Soap Operas! They have their very own set of rules! Here are some of my observations:

1. No one really dies
The most obvious thing on the soap is this: no one is ever really dead. Fall off a cliff, wreck the car, fiery plane crash? No problem! The worst that can happen is amnesia! These people are like zombies! You can’t kill them! You know, even if you decapitated someone with a chainsaw I bet they would have some amazing “head transplant surgery” (works for monkeys) and bounce back better than ever!

2. You are never too old for babies
Menopause does not exist in the soap opera world. You may have 15 kids and 14 grandchildren but when you fall in love with Mr. Right #23, baby it’s time for a new family! Now, they may not have them naturally, but with invitro, surrogates and adoption out there, the babies just don’t stop!

3. Keeping it in the family is A-okay!
In the real world this kind of thing is not only disgusting, in some states it’s illegal! But in the soaps, it is perfectly acceptable! Sure he’s your uncle AND great grandpa, but when love strikes, you can’t deny it! How come none of the children resulting from these unions are deformed? Now that’s a plot line!!

4. Very few people work
With the exception of the wealthy business man and an occasional cop or doctor, no one has a job! All they do is hang out at the local coffee shop, shop, have diner parties and of course, make children and get married. How do they live? You don’t ever see them sleeping in a cardboard box, or having the power cut off! Someone tell me their secret!

5. You can recover from any disease, no matter how rare
From colds to cancer to demon possession, there is a miracle cure. I know this kind of works with #1 but their medical technology is amazing! There is always a donor, a medicine, a special plant, something. All I can think of here is Dr. Drake Ramoray (a.k.a. Joey Tribiani) and the “smell a fart acting”. Ahh, I miss Friends. And another thing, no one EVER has VD. How can people be that promiscuous and the entire town not be infected?

6. You don’t go to jail
Blackmail? No big deal. Murder? Piece of cake! You can not go to jail! Whether it’s a really great attorney or a hung jury, no need to worry about doing time! I think everyone in town has a criminal record, and hey, that’s ok!

7. Be careful, you may be related
You fall in love with someone only to find out it is your long lost brother! Oh the horrors! Well, fortunately for you, there is rule #3! But just in case you have any morals, you may want to get a DNA test before any serious relationship.

So what about you? What soaps do you watch and what rules have you found? I say we all move to Springfield/Genoa City and work at General Hospital!

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